• Sai Sandhya

Falling in love with myself

I have always heard everyone around us say, “self-love is important” or “love yourself” but I was never told the process of it, nobody around me taught me how to love myself. For the longest time, I used to always complain about myself, the way I look or the way I am not as talented as some other person. There was a constant comparison.

In this internet friendly world, it is very easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves. Every time I’d go on Instagram, there would be a new thing to feel insecure about. I went down this spiral of self-hate and a place where I would need constant validation from another person or the people around me. It is not wrong to feel good when someone appreciates you but it went to a point where I would do things so people could like me. I would agree to plans I wasn’t interested in and get involved in things that don’t excite me just to be liked by xyz person.

Sometime very recently this came to my notice. There was this part of denial where I told myself stuff like “no that is not me”. After denial came the phase of shock and overthinking. Overthinking the littlest of things. I went through little incidents from high school and college. Overthought and stressed about everything because realization had hit that “hey maybe that is me”. I would like to say that I am in the acceptance phase of the process. It's that part where you accept like hey it is what it is and try to find the root cause. Try to bring a change.

There are a lot of things in my life that I’m not necessarily happy about or not satisfied with. Some of it is pretty obvious that is right in front of me but I haven't had the courage to pick it up just yet. There were some really toxic people in my life (which I realized from the overthinking) who with great difficulty and a lot of emotions, I managed to cut out of my life.

I started diverting my energy into the people who love me. That list might not be the longest but whatever it is, it is enough for me. I started diverting my energy in doing things I like. After so many years of believing that I’m not good at art, I’ve found a new obsession with doodling and mandalas. Starting this blog was part of the process. Writing is something I absolutely enjoy and somewhere between these lines, I feel safe.

It wasn’t too late to realize that people portray the best of themselves on Instagram. Coming out here to admit things I’ve been going through is not the easiest of process. People including me, post the happiest of moments in life, pictures they’re smiling the most, the angles they look best at, under the most perfect lighting. The comparison from Instagram had to stop in a way. I decided to take a break from it and guess what helped. It is easier not to feel shit about yourself when you don’t have that platform where you’re watching other people do these amazing things and look amazing.

The acceptance phase is just the start of it. I’m nowhere over the issue. Maybe somewhere down the lane I realized that focusing on yourself is important and doing what makes you happy is important. Making certain choices that might not be socially “acceptable” but if it makes you happy you should take that step. For yourself.

I did realize that you can’t always be happy and positive. There are going to be some major downfalls and it is going to be bad. I might be in one of the worst times right now but then finding the smallest of things just to get up and get going again is necessary. A part reason I’m writing this is that it is an outlet, looking at myself as a third person and trying to tell myself what I would tell someone who was in the same position as me.

I guess the whole point of writing this was to help someone else who might be in the same toxic phase as me. Nobody is perfect. Don’t let anyone around judge your worth. You’re capable of anything you put your mind to. If you think nobody cares, the universe does. Everything happens for a reason. You’ve got to stop living in denial and accept whatever it is (advice to myself also right now)

Falling in love with myself wasn’t a one-day process. It's an ongoing process. I’m still pretty stuck up and do not like a lot of things about myself. The aim is to be better than yesterday and take it one day at a time. Starting to love myself was one of the best decisions I’ve made, you should try it too!

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